For a while now on WOAT, I’ve wanted to do a whole week of themed content based around something that is awful enough to deserve it. And this semester, the universe smiled on me and gave me a Hulk Hogan sex tape lawsuit where he gave Gawker the Leg Drop to the tune of about $140 million. In honor of every terrible thing Hogan has done in this world, WOAT will be celebrating Hulk Hogan Week until next Monday! May Macho Man have mercy on your souls.
One of the more fascinating pieces of Hogan pop-culture ephemera is his cash-in album made in 1995 with a ragtag entourage called the Wrestling Boot Band. Long before John Cena would try to change the rap game forever, Hogan tried to change all music by stuffing his album full of an incoherent mix of styles united behind one theme: isn’t Hulk Hogan just the fucking best?!
“Hulkster’s in the House,” a stock 80s rock song, introduces the modern day Hercules by attesting to the fact that he is in, in fact, in the house, and that’s about it. Many songs follow in its template of noodly guitar solos, drums in a far-off land and lazy machismo.
“American Made,” which does not feature Hogan at all (a trend on the album, but fear not, his creative vision is assuredly omnipresent) gives “Born in the U.S.A.” and “The Star Spangled Banner” both a run for their money as the most downright American song ever sang. The je ne sais quois of it, of course, is that it’s about Hulk Hogan. There’s even a country ballad, “Wrestling Boot Traveling Band,” which sounds ridiculously dated–it probably sounded dated when it was made–but in a sort of endearing way.
The songs that do feature Hogan in a great capacity are the real cream of the crop though, and none may be better than track three, “Hulkster’s Back” (I guess he left the house at some point?) Featuring cowbells, Bell Biv Devoe synthesizers, and honest-to-goodness rapping from the title star, Hogan regales the listener with stories of his bravery and epic deeds while a crowd of women surround him and urge you to “check out the pythons, baby!” Hogan gives new meaning to “Cookie Monster vocals” on this track; he is well equipped to be in every shitty death metal band I’ve ever heard.
I’m being harsh on this album because it 100% deserves it, but I would be extremely remiss to forget about “Hulkster in Heaven,” a spoken-word track about a young fan of Hogan’s who died before he could see him wrestle live. It aims for poignant and its production values let it down in every way possible, but points for trying, I guess. According to one of Hogan’s own books, proceeds from the album went to help the family, so there is some definite good attached to this project.
From the Village People-inspired instruction manual “I Wanna Be a Hulkamaniac” to a tender ballad from his now-ex-wife “Hulk’s the One,” this album is full of 80s cheese, which makes its release smack dab in the middle of the 90s even better. You can listen to the entire thing above, and it’s extremely short, so then you can do it twice!