Over the past couple posts, I’ve explored how Hulk Hogan has been an acclaimed wrestler, actor, rock star and American hero. But I can’t let Hulk Hogan Week conclude without a tribute to something I wish I’d made up, Pastamania.
In what must be simultaneously one of the laziest and the most incredulous celebrity cash-ins of all time, Hogan decided in 1995 that the time was ripe for him to take his unstoppable brand to the world of food. Regular restaurant cuisine would not do the trick, however — it had to be mall food, and it had to be pasta, because it did.
Despite his business savvy and pasta passion, the venture would end within a year of its start. Pastamania was just too pure for this world. And unfortunately, there hasn’t been a book-length oral history of Pastamania published as of yet, so the exact details of how and why (and under the suggestion of what substances) this came to be are still out there somewhere, waiting to be discovered by a generation of long-lost Pastamaniacs. We can dream, right?
When J. Robert Oppenheimer saw the detonation of the first atomic bomb which he helped to create in 1945, it brought forth to his mind a passage from the Indian epic the Mahabharata: “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” When I first learned that Burger King was going to start selling ugly red hamburgers, I thought the exact same thing.
My beautiful friend helped me direct the above, and that’s about the only good thing it has going for it, because let me tell you–this was not an enjoyable experience. But I’ll let you watch all seven grotesque minutes of me eating a hamburger and find that out for yourself.
In advance of my own horrible food review (which should be up shortly), I thought I’d post one of my principal inspirations when it comes to really nasty eats. Parts of this clip were shown on Tosh.0 a couple of years ago, but the whole thing–in which you get to see several canned chickens devoured, all guts and no glory–is a beauty unlike any other. I should probably provide a warning and say that it’s NSFW, because if your boss sees you watching this they will unquestionably judge you for the rest of their life. The same goes for your significant other, teacher, doctor, mailman and probably even your pets. So make sure you’re home alone, shut all the blinds, lock that deadbolt and buckle in for some good old fashioned chicken in a can!
(How’s that for clickbait?)
This is a story that I knew was too good to pass up sharing as soon as I read the words “‘hot and spicy’ handjob” in the A.V. Club’s reporting. The gist of it is that KFC Australia tested out a suggestive ad for some new chicken thing it’s trying to pass off as food, and by “suggestive” I mean “it looks like straight-up porn.” People were understandably not so into the campaign and it quickly got pulled, perhaps too soon for it to be a real feature on this blog. But the article linked above is chock-full of great phrases lines like “McDonald’s is probably field-testing an R-rated Grimace right now, possibly one who breaks the fourth wall to ask you directly if, “You’re fuckin’ lovin’ it, right? Hell yeah, you are. Eat that shit up.”” and some seriously stellar suggested slogans for the chain to use in the future, so laugh (but please don’t eat) at your leisure.
I was in the grocery store the other day, absent-mindedly riding on the back wheels of my cart like a child when I laid my eyes on something that seemed too sinister, too eldritch, too grotesque to be true.
Move over, Wild Berry and other flavors that people actually want: the Watermelon Pop-Tart is here to fill you with dread. As soon as my eyes locked on the juxtaposition of the out-of-season fruit slice with the dry pastry that’s supposed to be its heir, I knew I had to buy them and eat them to see if I hated them.
Continue reading “WOAT Food Review: Watermelon Pop-Tarts”